Halloween Hangovers

Learning to Bring Halloween Joy into Your Pathetic Little Life
By Dan Gillis, III

There’s nothing more depressing than the day after Halloween. Maybe the hardest part isn’t the nougat hangover or waking up in your bed still in a skirt, stockings, handlebar moustache and a dinosaur head, wondering whether being Trannysaurus Tex was a good idea.

Or what sexual orientation involves doing it dinostyle?

Instead, it’s just so damn awful knowing that you spent an entire year running costume ideas by your roommates, coworker, and rehab sponsors, for what? One night of fun and/or debauchery?

Well, cheer up frowny-face, it doesn’t have to be that way! The spirit Halloween can live in your heart and pleather halter-top all year long, if you want it.

And you have to really want it, because Halloween, like Easter, is all about sacrifice.

And bunnies.

That’s right, I said it. Halloween is about fucking bunnies, goddamn it. Not the actual act of coitus with our floppy-eared friends, may I remind you, but it’s more about taking ownership of your life and being a bunny, or a unicorn, or even an incontinent yeti to the best of your ability. For that one day, you have complete control over what people think of you and you get to be the bunny you’ve always wanted to be.



So why not get into that costume throughout the year? Imagine the joy of your coworkers when you walk into a company conference about logo placement on cocktail napkins dressed as Sloth from Goonies?

Wouldn’t your parole hearing proceed much smoother if you wore Kasier Wilhelm’s ensemble?

You can even put the “fun” back in funeral dressing like a crucified Kanye West at your Nanny’s wake.

But don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself. There are plenty of bar mitzvahs, family interventions, and pap smears you can make into parties, just pick some of these zany costumes and get ready to giggle your pants off.

The “Accidentes” Lawyer: You know you’ve seen this guy staring back from the back bumper of a bus, with those beady eyes, slightly gapped teeth, and pencil mustache a top his Latino lip. He’s practically begging to you to be him. First, you’ll need a large piece of cardboard which you should cut a hole in the center. Have your mom do this with a sharp knife or pair of scissors. Then place your face through the hole after you’ve mustachioed yourself. Get one of your unemployed artist friends to replicate that Spanish slogan across the cardboard and use part of a beer helmet to attach the sign to your head. This is a classic that only brings an air of sensibility that can be especially useful during your DUI trial.



Hawaiian Hitler: Everyone knows that dictators make great costumes, and if you want to be taken seriously during your the next Powerpoint presentation, this is the way to go. Usually I recommend being some sort of rapper/mass murder combo like Ballin’ Stalin (this requires a track suit, a clock, and an ultimatum for Ukrainians) or Kim Jong License to Ill (he’s already got the shades, just get some Air Jordans). But this year, I’ve decided that because of our noble war, we should be more sensitive with our dictator costumes. Chairman Meow is a real crowd pleaser, with that cat ear headband, green teeth, and khaki shirt. But not even the Allied forces can beat Hawaiian Hitler. The recipe is easy. Take one square mustache and apply it to the upper lip. Comb your hair to one side, or just leave your hair alone if you’re an indie kid. Then slip on board shorts, a flowered shirt, and some Vans. The costume cannot be complete without that sassy look of veiled happiness over your acquistion of the Sudatenland and those rad checkered slip-ons. Try this at the next family BBQ.


Jane Fondle: This costume brings together two of my loves: middle ‘80’s jazzercise videos and clergy molestation jokes. The key to this get-up is the detail. It may take some time to get some of these items, but it will definitely be worth it. First, you’ll need to call my mom. No seriously, it’s cool. And ask her for her light pink legwarmers and the one piece blue unitard. Then talk to my brother. Actually not my brother, just a Brother will do. Try Brother Smolders, a Catholic priest and only an “alleged” child porn “researcher.” He’s real nice once you get to know him, and he will give you the shirt off his back. Which you should take, especially if it has still has that cute little white collar on it. With this collar in conjunction with your aerobic attire and a bag of Dum-Dums and you’re set. Try this one out at a PTA meeting.